The Reasons (Part One)…

I had the life I wanted and literally drank it into a ditch and since then I’ve been a creature of reaction. I have been playing defense, always one step behind until I sat down with myself and had a long talk about where I was…

My last words on earth were supposed to be me telling my friend I was good to drive. I was supposed to grab my keys out his hand and jump in my car. I was not supposed to make this post. The stage was set. The plan was set into motion just like the tires when I hit the gas pedal and my car engine growled.

“I live because in my mind I’ve already died.”

Before I opened my eyes it smelled like a room full of blown out candles. There were no lights and no sounds. I was all alone. I turned the key in the ignition hoping it would start. I completely avoided the fact that I had no side window and the steering wheel was as close to touching my chest as my lips are to kissing my nose. The tints I put on my rear window were no longer protecting the moon light from crawling into my back seat. I had no back window just shattered dreams, scattered all over what once was a nice car. I got out and tears ran down my cheek before I could even think of crying. I was so angry and confused that all I started to do was kick my car, hoping that I would somehow make it disappear. All I wanted to do was open my eyes again. Please be a dream.

“You are where you are because of you.”

I’ve left plenty of parties and clubs after drinking and every time, before that night, I ended my night tackling my bed sheets after guzzling what seamed to be a gallon of water. I can’t even say that “I never thought it could happen to me”… honestly I wasn’t thinking at all. It became my worst habit. This morning after was a real eye opener. No one was with me to point the fingers at but, somehow I managed to find plenty pointing at me.

“Even if you can’t see it everything that’s anything will cast a shadow, it all depends on where you shine the light.”

And just like anything that is beautiful can look ugly, everything that is ugly can be beautiful in its own light. I was officially at my lowest of lows, my rock bottom. I fell and landed on the hard truth that I in all my “perfection” needed to change. I no longer called it a DUI “accident” because I crashed, there was no mistake. This was no mishap, I wasn’t a victim of chance. I pushed the pedal down and sped past a future with endless possibilities. And this… this way of thinking sparked a new way of thinking. I received new eyes, everything became beautiful and I fell in love with the world… Again.

– Benicio –

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~ by benicio.marichieli on 2013/03/22.

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