Time…

•2013/03/27 • Leave a Comment

The healer of the world.

Beginner of earth.

It all started with a word.

Ended with some hurt.

The painting was perfect.

The idea of a reject.

Subset in a time without regret.

Before the day we met.

But it passes…

Flowers still bloom.

When the clouds come by.

The sun chases the moon.

I’m glad you said hi.

Questionable is hopeful.

Hopeful is a handful.

Better hold my hand till

the world stops turning, time starts to stand still.

It still passes…

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Explosions…

•2013/03/25 • Leave a Comment

My mind has been racing these past couple days, to the point where I can’t sleep. And when I do finally drift off into nothingness I wake up every now and again and my mind will NOT shut off. If my mind isn’t busy battling over ideas of future plans its filled with pictures of things I’ve never seen. I would like to control this issue and soon because I need clarity… I need to enjoy that quiet feeling of a black room when I close my eyes.

I do this often and maybe its a bad thing. I always over task myself to the point of being distracted from other tasks. Maybe I need to make my list of things I want to do shorter, and get rid of whats not necessary.

Things I tend to think about…

  • Work and what I’m going to do when I lose my job.
  • Buying a home. (I want a REAL place to call home, I’ve been bouncing around too much)
  • Things that look beautiful. (I am a very visual person)
  • Family
  • Starting a clothing company and everything that comes with that.
  • Keeping my sanity. (WHY can’t I sleep?)
  • Producing music. (Not so important right now… Chopping block??)

Anyway I guess that pretty much it. Maybe I’m full of all these great ideas and can’t find the right outlet. Lets see when my bubble finally bursts.

– Benicio –

* Listen to Heavy Feet by Local Natives *

The Reasons (Part One)…

•2013/03/22 • Leave a Comment

I had the life I wanted and literally drank it into a ditch and since then I’ve been a creature of reaction. I have been playing defense, always one step behind until I sat down with myself and had a long talk about where I was…

My last words on earth were supposed to be me telling my friend I was good to drive. I was supposed to grab my keys out his hand and jump in my car. I was not supposed to make this post. The stage was set. The plan was set into motion just like the tires when I hit the gas pedal and my car engine growled.

“I live because in my mind I’ve already died.”

Before I opened my eyes it smelled like a room full of blown out candles. There were no lights and no sounds. I was all alone. I turned the key in the ignition hoping it would start. I completely avoided the fact that I had no side window and the steering wheel was as close to touching my chest as my lips are to kissing my nose. The tints I put on my rear window were no longer protecting the moon light from crawling into my back seat. I had no back window just shattered dreams, scattered all over what once was a nice car. I got out and tears ran down my cheek before I could even think of crying. I was so angry and confused that all I started to do was kick my car, hoping that I would somehow make it disappear. All I wanted to do was open my eyes again. Please be a dream.

“You are where you are because of you.”

I’ve left plenty of parties and clubs after drinking and every time, before that night, I ended my night tackling my bed sheets after guzzling what seamed to be a gallon of water. I can’t even say that “I never thought it could happen to me”… honestly I wasn’t thinking at all. It became my worst habit. This morning after was a real eye opener. No one was with me to point the fingers at but, somehow I managed to find plenty pointing at me.

“Even if you can’t see it everything that’s anything will cast a shadow, it all depends on where you shine the light.”

And just like anything that is beautiful can look ugly, everything that is ugly can be beautiful in its own light. I was officially at my lowest of lows, my rock bottom. I fell and landed on the hard truth that I in all my “perfection” needed to change. I no longer called it a DUI “accident” because I crashed, there was no mistake. This was no mishap, I wasn’t a victim of chance. I pushed the pedal down and sped past a future with endless possibilities. And this… this way of thinking sparked a new way of thinking. I received new eyes, everything became beautiful and I fell in love with the world… Again.

– Benicio –

The Explorer…

•2013/03/04 • Leave a Comment

Today has been a hell of a day… It’s barely a little past eight in the morning but I’ve been up for 25 hours so far. I need sleep. At least that’s what my body is asking for. I feel wide awake and ready to take on the world. My mind was on hyper drive all night and for the first time this month my mind feels so Zen-full. It there even a word for that? If there isn’t this should be.

I had a chance to process every thought that flew in and out of my head. And while I was up I got to explore my surroundings and see a part of my neighborhood most would run from. I strolled around all night, just walking and thinking. Sounds strange, I know. But It needed to be done. Long story short the universe wanted me to sort everything out. It kicked me out of my apartment sans keys and said “figure your shit out or else you’ll freeze”. Well it didn’t actually say that. I like to believe that’s what happened and I wasn’t an idiot and forgot my keys as I stormed out to clear my head.

I am the biggest over thinker I know. So, I’m just glad I got everything sorted out mentally and now I can be free of the worrying. Like I said I also got a chance to see the best city in the world at night. I wish I either had a better camera or was better at taking pics with my phone. Here is a horse I found.

Metal Horse Sculpture

Note: Just when you think things are starting to fall apart and you are standing on shaky ground. Trust yourself and your balance. This stuff is instinctual and you can handle it. You really do have all the tools to see the bright side of every situation. You just have to stop focusing in on what stands out. Start paying attention to all the things around it that are pushing it out of your picture.

December 24, 2010…

•2013/03/01 • Leave a Comment

“Before I met you I seen a picture of you and didn’t look twice (no offense but my interests were in another). But chance rolled the dice and made us a pair, gave me seven and through a phone things were clear.  After meeting your voice, talking to your personality, having play dates with your character and smiling with your feelings. I seen you in a new light. Blinded by my first sight of what turned out to be a wonderful dance night.  So I placed you on a higher floor and approached from a new direction, hoping for a chance at what I believed was happiness I could hold like a hand shake. But the road I MapQuested was under construction building the “people” we were meant to be. No hard feelings just easy let downs, too many to count. So I took a couple detours and finally started reading the road signs… realizing the road we ended on was actually the one I needed to start with. Going backwards on this path I seen… finding I’m seeing you less than before, feels like I’m losing you more and more. But we’re both strolling on separate sides of the same road. Cause your reality will never cross my imagery… But, this isn’t that lingering “let’s see what happens”. I Said Bye a while ago. I’m waiting for my second chance at a first hello…”

This was a note that never got to see the light of day. I was actually hoping I never had to let anyone see it. But, like anything in life sometimes you have to do what you normally wouldn’t to feel the way you probably should. For anyone who is unsure of what is going on, your take away for this post should be… Sometimes the things you want and dream for should probably stay dreams and just out of reach. Life wouldn’t be any fun if you didn’t have to strive for happiness. Hell… the journey to become happy is what makes it so sweet.

– Benicio –

I hope you know that you are and always will be a great friend of mine. I, unfortunately, need time to realize that.

…the Air.

•2013/03/01 • Leave a Comment

If you haven’t wondered by now or busted out your Sherlock Holmes costume kit and questioned how strange my blog is let me explain why you should. First off, the URL and blog title don’t match. Benicio is the writer and he’s talking about the life of a “Shadrac”… in the first person.

Who is Benicio? Short easy answer… he is the me I would like to be. Long crazy answer… I am him and he is me… sort of. I, myself, am very critical and really hate that I judge myself so harshly. I feel its OK to use this blog as a way to get out my not so perfect side and not be judged, by me. Cause it’s not exactly me, right? Or at very least you wouldn’t be able to find out exactly who “me” is…

Who is Shadrac? Well he is me. That was the only direct link to who I really am. Hopefully no one else will be as smart as Sherlock and Dick Tracy. Who can really put 2 and 28769474538304765840 together? Well anyone close enough to me I guess.

Well now that I gave away all my secrets I guess I really have to start thinking of creative cool things to talk about. Clearly they will be related to my life experiences both past and future… Till then, clear is…

– Benicio –

The Magic…

•2013/02/27 • Leave a Comment

This song is amazing. I found out about Lissie back when I was YouTube surfing (during work and getting paid for it. Like a boss) circa February 10, 2013. I know what you’re thinking… he is really late on that one. And to be completely honest you are right. But, I’m 1000% glad I didn’t hear this till now. I believe that my taste in music has grown up. It’s matured and I’ve grown to enjoy all sorts of styles and interpretations of genres. If I would have heard about her any earlier, it wouldn’t have been as good. It would have been lacking that one string that attaches me to the music I Love… experiences.

You see I enjoy so many types of songs because they have the ability to pull an emotion from my memory and (wait for it)… POOF! like Magic I feel it again.

I used to be in this on-again off-again relationship with… Lets call her my “number 8”. Long story short we used to have a cordless phone that we used as a house phone. She ended up being our household speed dial number 8 because her first name began with one of those letters. Anyway this song reminded me of the way she used to make me feel as a young sucker. I say that now because looking back I did a lot of stupid things for the sake of a “strong like”. I must say that listening to this song and the expressions on Lissie’s face took me back. I suddenly began to feel all of those same feelings over again.

Take a listen and enjoy… you wont be disappointed.

– Benicio –