Education in session…

I realized today that I am my toughest critic.

I decided to take a little bike ride to the lake front, fun right? Sort of wrong… I rode over 30 miles on this “short” trip all because I couldn’t stop. I realize that I have this constant need to prove something to myself. For what?? I understand improvement is a good thing but come on. I am not a seasoned bike rider and my legs are definitely not ready for the torture that will come tomorrow. I also have 14 posts sitting as drafts because I can’t seem to find the right words or feel they are too personal to post anonymously. I can’t understand it and I wouldn’t expect you to either. So I’ll take this as a lesson for life.

It’s not so important to sweat the small details when the big picture is what needs the attention.

For me…

So I’ve taken off my typing gloves for a while but I am back. I realized that my mind travels more than I want it to when I don’t let it out every once in a while. So here I am.

I have been enjoying California’s great weather, compared to Chicago. I read everyones complaints on facebook and I don’t really feel sorry for them… at all. They know what to expect, why would they expect anything different? I love Chicago and honestly miss it. More than I want to, more than I should, but that is my home.

I am torn lately between saving up or buying  camera (I got my eye on the Cannon 60D). I don’t need a camera at all. I just always want what I don’t have. I think it stems from being a younger child with older male cousins. I always got hand me downs and second pick of almost everything. Well thats a story best told later.

I really don’t have many followers and I’m not mad, worried or ashamed. I started this blog because I love to write, mostly about nothing but always about something important to me. So I want to thank everyone of you who has followed and taken the time out of your day to check back. It means more than you know to see others appreciate or even care to see what I might say next. You are to kind.

I plan on having more to talk about later, and I will. So till then I say good night… I should be sleeping right now, but I’m doing laundry. It’s 12:20 (ish) and I have to wake up by 5:30 to work out. Till then my friends, take it easy.

Night of the Blazer…

I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I said yes. I packed enough for three days and still felt like I needed to have more options. I had everything from V-neck tees and gym shoes to a button up and dress shoes. Nothing really mattered as much as I made it seam. We booked the hotel room and that was all we really needed. A place to crawl to after a good night of enjoying life.

We drove for hours and had music playing the whole time, only lowering when we had some significant story to tell on some past experience we had. He was my brother since the day we met. But, moments like this are what define our brother-ship. We talked about girls and how this night was going to be filled with them. He had a friend in the music biz that could get us into any club we wanted, he was the king of his city, we were his guests. By the time we showed up he was already there.

Our room was amazing. Open floor plan with a living room the size of a small house, a walk in bathroom with a changing room attached and a huge master bedroom with two king size bedroom sets. We were living like kings. Funny thing is we never enjoyed the room. We checked in… got dressed… and hit the strip. Vegas was no match for what we had planned. We walked everywhere, drank everything. Conversations were easy, something in knowing that I would never see those people ever again made everything so easy. No pressure. Staying up all night and sleeping at noon just to wake up and repeat.

We had big plans to make our last night in Vegas the greatest story ever told. We had dreams. We needed to look like we deserved to live them out. So we hit the town and went shopping, we decided that a blazer and button up would do. There was no need to buy a new suit if there was a chance it would get lost in someones hotel room or at some club. We definitely didn’t have the money to throw it away.

The night was set, we got a couple hours of sleep, dressed up to the tens and filled up at an all you can eat buffet. The night was golden. I can’t go into detail about what happened that night, but it was amazing. I will never forget it…. EVER. So, fast forward to the phone call I got at 1040 the next morning. “I packed all your stuff. I got everything out of the closet, did you put your stuff anywhere else? I take it your having a good morning. Call me when your on your way, don’t forget we have to check out by noon.” I was too busy to answer but I heard it on my way back to my room. I was too busy falling out of love. I made a connection in the most unlikely place ever, and she was beautiful. But it wasn’t meant to last and that in itself made it so much more. I learned more about myself in that one night stand than most relationships I used to be in.

I had just finished taking a round of shots at the bar with my friends and the group of girls we met. She was on the dance floor and I was headed to the bathroom. Our eyes met, we smiled. I walked by her and she grabbed my blazer. I turned around and she said hi. I introduced myself and she did the same all on the dance floor, we were standing still in the crowd. At that moment no one else was with us, not even the guy she was dancing with who felt the need to tell me his name. I smiled as I asked her if she wanted to grab a drink sometime later. She smiled and led me back to the bar. After getting to know each other with small talk she decided I was gonna need company for the rest of the night and we started our adventure. I didn’t meet back up with my friends till the club closed and we started walking back to our next destination. Small talk got personal and soon we were talking about our greatest fears, where we planned to be in the future and how much life there was to be lived. It felt like a dream because she was so down to earth and didn’t seam like the other girls who escape to Vegas to get away. We made our way back to her hotel with her friend. Our goodby the next morning was short and sweet, almost as if I was heading out the door to take out the trash and I would be back. we talked about how amazing the night was and ended it with a kiss at the door and I was gone.

I had the one night of my life that was perfect and no one can take it from me. I can kinda compare it to that How I Met Your Mother episode “Drumroll, Please”. That night will forever be known as the night of the blazer and I can live with that.

– Benicio –

Carpe the Diem…

So it seems that today I woke up on the right side of the bed. I think its funny because my bed is literally butt up against a wall so I didn’t have a choice in the matter and I wake up on the same side EVERYDAY. Well I guess today was meant to be special and that concept was proven once again when I read this quote. The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are wasting time. Not sure who wrote it but to them I say thanks. Why spend time thinking when I can enjoy it doing the things I day dream about? Here is to life… and only having one.

– Benicio –

Scars…

I didn’t quite think about exactly how this post was supposed to be written so please excuse me if it seams pointless. Bear with me and your patience will be rewarded, hopefully.

Scars will toughen you up even when you don’t think they do.

I USED TO trust everyone I met until given a reason not to. I didn’t realize that till recently and I am trying to correct that. After my parents divorce I couldn’t believe that someone could turn their back on everyone they loved just to feel happy. I seen a man change into a boy and a woman into a girl and I couldn’t believe my eyes. That was the first time I ever really seen my parents as real human beings and it scared the shit out of me. The allure of invincibility they had was washed away. Since then I’ve been tiptoeing through relationships scared of going through the same thing. I was blessed with the ability to say goodbye and wish people out of my life without a second thought. Pushing became easier and a habit I performed regularly. That curse has shown to be amazing. The people in my life that stuck around are here because I couldn’t get rid of them. And that shows me that I no longer need the tough skin covering my scars, I am safe around them.

Scars left from past experiences are visual hope.

Time will not heal your wounds, ever. But every day that passes is proof that you can survive and knowing that you CAN get over it will ease the pain. My mother was dealt some pretty bad cards in a pretty short time, the funeral of both her father and marriage all in the same year. One of those and anyone’s world would be spinning faster than the propellers on a helicopter in mid flight. But time has passed and she has learned to forgive. Learned to believe and most importantly learned to live with herself. She looks back and proudly takes on everyday one step at a time, sometimes hesitant and cautiously but always forward. She is truly a breathing, talking ball of inspiration.

Life is really just one big question of “where am I going” with a trail of little hints to help you get there. But one of the hardest hints to see is that you have the strength, mentally and physically, to get to the answer no matter where it is.

– Benicio –

Choices…

We make them everyday without thinking about it. We do it without thinking and refer to making them as “freedom”. What happens when we no longer have them or they are made for us?

I took some time to visit and spend the weekend with my momma’s side of the family and was hit with a hard truth. I MADE SOME PRETTY STUPID CHOICES. I want to introduce you to one of the greatest men I will never get to know.

My grandfather passed away in 2008, taken from us before he should have. I look back and realize that he spent more time sitting on a couch watching Spanish television than he should have. He used to stop by our house every time he was in town and every time I would kiss his cheek, say hello and run off to play. It became second nature as I got older. Playing was replaced with going out with friends and then dating. Now I don’t get that choice anymore and I hate it. With every ounce of my being, I hate it. I never got to ask him how his first date with my grandmother went. How and when he knew she was the one. What crossed his mind when he had his first child. I can never ask him for advice. All because I made, what I thought were easy choices.

Sometimes our hard choices are really easy and the toughest ones, we don’t think twice about. No ones perfect and you will regret some. But, don’t regret or repeat the wrong ones.

– Benicio –

Grandpa I’m sorry for not giving you the time we both deserved. Love always and forever.

Addiction…

My time with you was a drug. I did not know it. I did not feel it. It made no sense to me but I wanted more. My time with you is a drug. It cures my problems and clears my mind. I can not hold it. But I feel as if it holds me. It makes no sense to me but I still want more. My time with you will always be a drug. I will always crave more when I have it. I won’t complain till its taken away. It will make no sense to me but I’ll take it because I need more…

– Benicio –

Time…

The healer of the world.

Beginner of earth.

It all started with a word.

Ended with some hurt.

The painting was perfect.

The idea of a reject.

Subset in a time without regret.

Before the day we met.

But it passes…

Flowers still bloom.

When the clouds come by.

The sun chases the moon.

I’m glad you said hi.

Questionable is hopeful.

Hopeful is a handful.

Better hold my hand till

the world stops turning, time starts to stand still.

It still passes…

Explosions…

My mind has been racing these past couple days, to the point where I can’t sleep. And when I do finally drift off into nothingness I wake up every now and again and my mind will NOT shut off. If my mind isn’t busy battling over ideas of future plans its filled with pictures of things I’ve never seen. I would like to control this issue and soon because I need clarity… I need to enjoy that quiet feeling of a black room when I close my eyes.

I do this often and maybe its a bad thing. I always over task myself to the point of being distracted from other tasks. Maybe I need to make my list of things I want to do shorter, and get rid of whats not necessary.

Things I tend to think about…

• Work and what I’m going to do when I lose my job.
• Buying a home. (I want a REAL place to call home, I’ve been bouncing around too much)
• Things that look beautiful. (I am a very visual person)
• Family
• Starting a clothing company and everything that comes with that.
• Keeping my sanity. (WHY can’t I sleep?)
• Producing music. (Not so important right now… Chopping block??)

Anyway I guess that pretty much it. Maybe I’m full of all these great ideas and can’t find the right outlet. Lets see when my bubble finally bursts.

– Benicio –

* Listen to Heavy Feet by Local Natives *

The Reasons (Part One)…

I had the life I wanted and literally drank it into a ditch and since then I’ve been a creature of reaction. I have been playing defense, always one step behind until I sat down with myself and had a long talk about where I was…

My last words on earth were supposed to be me telling my friend I was good to drive. I was supposed to grab my keys out his hand and jump in my car. I was not supposed to make this post. The stage was set. The plan was set into motion just like the tires when I hit the gas pedal and my car engine growled.

“I live because in my mind I’ve already died.”

Before I opened my eyes it smelled like a room full of blown out candles. There were no lights and no sounds. I was all alone. I turned the key in the ignition hoping it would start. I completely avoided the fact that I had no side window and the steering wheel was as close to touching my chest as my lips are to kissing my nose. The tints I put on my rear window were no longer protecting the moon light from crawling into my back seat. I had no back window just shattered dreams, scattered all over what once was a nice car. I got out and tears ran down my cheek before I could even think of crying. I was so angry and confused that all I started to do was kick my car, hoping that I would somehow make it disappear. All I wanted to do was open my eyes again. Please be a dream.

“You are where you are because of you.”

I’ve left plenty of parties and clubs after drinking and every time, before that night, I ended my night tackling my bed sheets after guzzling what seamed to be a gallon of water. I can’t even say that “I never thought it could happen to me”… honestly I wasn’t thinking at all. It became my worst habit. This morning after was a real eye opener. No one was with me to point the fingers at but, somehow I managed to find plenty pointing at me.

“Even if you can’t see it everything that’s anything will cast a shadow, it all depends on where you shine the light.”

And just like anything that is beautiful can look ugly, everything that is ugly can be beautiful in its own light. I was officially at my lowest of lows, my rock bottom. I fell and landed on the hard truth that I in all my “perfection” needed to change. I no longer called it a DUI “accident” because I crashed, there was no mistake. This was no mishap, I wasn’t a victim of chance. I pushed the pedal down and sped past a future with endless possibilities. And this… this way of thinking sparked a new way of thinking. I received new eyes, everything became beautiful and I fell in love with the world… Again.

– Benicio –